A full month of healing and learning

Hard to believe that yesterday was four weeks since the accident. In some ways it feels like so much longer, yet these weeks have in so many ways been but a blur. Last week I had an appointment with Dr. McVicker, the neurosurgeon who operated on me. In many ways, it was a predictable vist. My body continues to heal well, I need to be careful not to overdo it, etc. I think I was a little bit disappointed that somehow I wasn't some sort of superman, that I didn't walk in to a doctor that said "I can't believe how fast you've healed, go forth with the rest of your life!" Not that I expected it, but I've been tired, and am so anxious for wellness and to return to life as I knew it before the accident. I expressed my frustrations with some of the restrictions and the effects of the medications, and he graciously reminded me that I did break my back and have a very major surgery several weeks ago. He also encouraged me to take the medications in a slightly different manner that would prevent some of the grogginess that I had felt with them previously. The latter suggestion has been helpful in that it has allowed me to have less pain, but more importantly, far more (and better) sleep, which helps my outlook immensely.

A good friend called me the day after the appointment and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I politely declined, but then talked to him about how difficult it can be for me to take help at all. I have always thought of myself as someone who was able to take care of things myself, and didn't want to "inconvenience" others with my responsibilities.

"Be careful denying other people their blessings," he said.

Lying in bed and unable to sleep, I had several hours to think about the conversation. What is he talking about denying blessings? I'm trying to make sure that others don't have to carry my burden. I don't want to inconvenience him. It's not his responsibility to blow out my sprinklers or sweep my garage. Several nights I have lay in bed, unable to sleep because I had to go to the bathroom, but in my pride and stubborness, unwilling to ask my wife for help putting on my brace so that I could get out of bed. 'I just want her to be able to rest' I thought. But that wasn't it. I didn't want to have to ask for help. I didn't want to inconvenience her. Or burden her with "my things."

I'm being independent. The opposite of independence is not a positive thing. It's dependency, or codependence, or laziness, the list goes on and on. And suddenly my friend's response, the delivery of which had been simple and kind, hit me squarely between the eyes and hard. The opposite of independence isn't necessarily any of the above. The opposite of independence isn't even necessarily negative. For me, the opposite of independence needed to be humility. Independence for me had become synonymous with arrogance and pride. Not in a way that looked cocky, but in a way that made me believe I was completely self sufficient, like I could do anything and didn't need help. And maybe that's true sometimes. But what my friend had said was still resonating. See, he is someone that I believe has the gift of giving. He thrives on helping others, on sharing with others. And to deny him the opportunity to help me in my time of need denied him the opportunity to use his gift. It also created a barrier in our relationship. If I won't let my wife serve me in my time of need, I am implicitly stating that I don't need her.

I think that all of us are wired with a desire to help others. I know how good it feels to me to be able to do something for someone, even if they could have done it themself. I also know the closeness I feel to others when I have been able to help them.

Wouldn't it be cool if we didn't have to go through things like broken backs to pay enough attention to learn these lessons in life?